Mental Gymnastics: Why Walk When There’s Mobi-Tech?

Self-contained Personal Assistive Mobility robot online.

SPAM ‘bot?

I’m sorry sir, command not recognized, please restate.

No, your model designation. It can be acronym-ed into Ess. Pee. A. Em. – SPAMbot.

…This unit’s form and function has been optimized to provide hands-free mobility options for subjects who have suffered traumatic injuries to their motor functions or are otherwise incapable of-

That’s fine, I don’t need the ‘scrip from your manual, I just was pointing out an amusing coincidence of language.

I am programmed to recognize verbal and text-entry commands in over 50 different languages.

That’s wonderful for you, I’m sure your mother is proud.

…This unit was manufactured to exacting specifications in a state-of-the-art Taiwanese automated assembly facility under the supervision of qualified Mobi-tech engineers.

I didn’t…I mean, I don’t care…What do I call you?

This unit is designated S.P.A.M. Robot 404.


Yes, sir. This unit is designated-

Heard you the first time. So I’ve loaded myself into an error page SPAMbot. Tupping lovely.

I’m sorry sir, command is not-

Right! Let’s get on with it then. I need to get to the grocery.

Would you like to input a manual course or shall this unit determine the most efficient route based on current GPS markers and market resear-

Just go! I don’t care how we get there, just get me there.

Understood, sir. Route enabled.

Wait…did you say market research?

Affirmative, sir.

Why would that factor…wait, this isn’t the way to the Publix. Publix is South of here, you’re taking us North.

Based on discreet fluid testing, this unit has determined that subject is in need of nutritional supplements to regulate blood flow and enhance prostate health.

Discreet…HEY! What the hell are you doing down there?

Does this subject know that by taking advantage of a limited time offer, this subject could obtain large amounts of herbal supplements for well below wholesale price? Distance to the nearest Pillmart is 100m.

No! I want to go to Publix! PUBLIX! P.U.B.L.I.X! Unit 404, comply and re-route as per original instructions.

This unit was informed that this subject did not “care how we get there.”

I care now! I don’t need any damn ginkgo-balobullshit. I need a roast beef sandwich.

Route has already been logged with Mobi-tech and local authorities. As per regulation parameter 001-4 “All automated mobility devices must register and verify routes in compliance with the Federal Robot Protection Act prior to departure. Deviation from pre-registered routes is a fine-able offense.”

Then fine me! Charge me whatever you need to change the route – just take me to the Publix so I can get my damn lunch!

Route deviation request acknowledged. The current FRPA Route Deviation fine is $25,000. Uploading…

STOP! Wait!…Nevermind. Pillmart it is.

Route deviation request cancelled, resuming original route. Did this subject know that there are many local area singles that are dying to meet this subject? By acting right now, this subject could find the “Love of his/her life” today.

…tupping SPAMbot.


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